The root of the problem...

Dear Messers Conry, Payne, & Sugrue:

After complete surveillance and investigation as you requested, we have the following to report regarding the A. Rutz “choking” incident. The report consists of quotes from interviews with various witnesses to the alleged incident and all of the facts contained herein are assumed to be true and honest.

Exhibit 1. “I didn’t realize how dangerous Andy’s exercise regimen was. He had told me to always leave him alone and not come in the room when he was doing them but the other day, I heard a strange grunting and a choking sound and burst through his bedroom door and there he was, on the floor, without his clothes. He tried to tell me how he was working out and he felt a strange sensation in his throat. It wasn’t until several hours later that he said that it might have been food he was choking on. My gosh, I wish he would be more careful and I’ll never understand why he has to exercise without his clothes”
– Mrs. Rutz (Andy’s Mom)

Exhibit 2. “Yeah, Andy is a little weird with his “exercising” and all. I never thought much of it until he came out of the room the other day after the choking incident. He had nothing on, which is pretty typical with Andy, and he was completely blue. I swear to god, I thought he was auditioning for “The Blue Man Group” or something. It was funny as hell but my mom yelled at me and told me to go in the other room. I guess it was serious.
-Zach (Andy’s brother)

Exhibit 3. “Mr. Rutz came in to the emergency room complaining about a problem with his throat. He was bruised all over his back and he seemed to be covered with an oily substance, maybe a lubricant of some sort. I used to see this kind of thing all the time when I worked in Chicago. You see all sorts of weird crap when you work late night in an inner city emergency room. Anyway, he claims that he started choking on some food or something. We looked down his throat and saw nothing there. I can only imagine what that guy was choking on”
- Emergency Room Nurse

Exhibit 4. “I’ve seen Andy about 40 times in the past year with this same problem. We still haven’t pinpointed what is going on so I told Andy that he has some inflammation and that he was having trouble swallowing because of it. To tell you the truth, I don’t know what kind of kinky stuff this kid is into, but he really needs to cut it out before he kills himself. I figured the best advice I could give him was to cut out the alcohol. I figure if he stopped drinking, he would stop abusing himself this way.”
-Andy’s doctor

Exhibit 5. "I got home the other night and saw this bowl of stew in the fridge. I said, “sweet” mom made some beef stew. I figured I’d have a bite to eat and then go to bed. It was pretty hot so I went in my bedroom, undressed to my boxers, and sat in front of the tube to enjoy “Anchor Man” for the 50th time while eating the stew. That movie is as funny as shit. I must have started laughing while eating the stew and fuck; I woke a few minutes later after passing out with this hunk of meat in my throat.”
-Andy

Please remit payment for our investigative services. If you would like this money added to the “peach thief” account, we can send a bill for the full amount in a couple of weeks. As usual, it is always entertaining doing business with you.

Sincerely,

Private Dick

President
Private Dick’s Investigation Service
Chicago, Illinois